Some journeys we are meant to make more than once. There was a time I didn’t know that. And so when familiar feelings or thoughts returned with a vengeance I felt the sharp nakedness of failure. I thought I had failed in banishing thoughts and therefore I wasn’t strong. How silly I can be at times.
I love to live in my body. To feel with my body. And yet there are days where that is painful. The comparison game is always a losing one. Yet, even though I’m not cashing in my chips at that table, there are times I still enter the gaming hall thinking I can bargain or win my way out of straight up loving my body in its current form.
This body is alive. Alive. I can feel how being plugged into truths fills it and how giving my will to revenge-seeking endeavors drains it. It’s the greatest map I’ve ever known and so I work at not wanting it to be more simple, more predictable or like another.
There is a fluctuation of it. A changing of tides. A time when it’s telling me to kick it into high gear and times where it is begging for rest. There are times when it feels light and times where it feels heavy. This body is the physical manifestation of every one of my emotions, my stories and my experiences. I have a scar on my right index finger. It’s a cut that I got the day I moved out of my parents home and into my first college apartment. It makes me smile when I look at it. The center of my body collects and fills every month at the same time. I can feel my emotions there. The ones that beg me to soften my grip on control, the ones poke at my worthiness and test my love. Today, it makes me smile because since I have made this journey before, I know how to do it again.
I don’t slide my worth between the creases of any part of my body. No matter the push and pull of the outer or inner dialogue. And in the times where familiar thoughts bubble, I know now it isn’t because I have fallen. It simply means there’s a part of my soul that needs to be tended to. And I am being asked for my voice and my love because I am the only one who can do it.
Some journeys we are meant to make more than once. I will do this one daily if need be, because sometimes my life depends on it.